Monday, August 10, 2009

The Boobie Chronicles..............

So on we go to the Flanders family. Eccentric would be the best way to explain them with one word. They are the perfect example of the fact that being smart and educated doesn't at all mean that you have any couth. In fact it seems to be the opposite. I am now a firm believer that as long as you flash that black AmEx the "manners" thing goes out the window.

Mother Flanders was an Architect when I started working for them. She was a fan of 80's power suits and was still living in a time where mustache waxing was not a priority. She may also be the most openly flatulent person on the planet. At that time they only had one child. When the second daughter was born is when I accepted the position with them and then stayed through the third. Cleanliness was a big issue on all levels. The house wreaked of cat urine mostly because instead of putting the litter box in a closet like most people they strategically placed it in the garden tub in their bedroom. The bedroom was by the kitchen so as soon as you walked in the house the smell smacked you across the face like "Homie" the clown.

This brings me to Daddy Flanders. He was a lawyer for a large firm uptown. He was also a foot model when he was in college. I think that he is sort of stuck there a bit being that he still rocks stone-washed denim. One day they decided they wanted to clean out their attic so, as a good employee, I offered to help. There was so much crap in that 100 degree attic that for several days I didn't know my ass from my elbow. Finally we got the mess under control and all that was left was to stack boxes. I get to a box labeled with the father's name. I had overlooked this box so I opened it to see the contents for organizational purposes. It was chocked full of 80's porno. That day I came to find out that his family was in the porn/toy business. So it's not only that you don't know someone until you have seen or lived in their house but also until you have rifled through their stuff. That was an interesting conversation to say the least.

The kids on the other hand were a whole different story. Now don't get me wrong I love these girls very much and always wanted the best for them but when you are raised my wolves you are probably going to take on many wolf like traits. The oldest daughter was a drooler at a young age which just made her the least desirable kid on the block. Everyone loves to hang out with the clean cut kid that dresses cute and smells nice. Not so much the one with ratty hair and dirty clothes. (See photo above!) You get my drift? She also had the habit of humping her favorite stuffed animal which was slightly repulsive. Mother Flanders did not have very much input on these things. In fact it is possible the lax environment caused these things to happen. This leads me to some of my favorite stories.

Mother Flanders was the type that simply didn't care what people thought about her. One day after her second child was born we all went to the public library so that the oldest child could get some books. This seems like a very harmless activity that many normal people do on a daily basis. Not this day! We were sitting there in the library when the baby starts to cry. She is hungry as babies sometimes are. The problem was that she was being breast fed and I obviously can't help with that. I turned to the mother to tell her I would be happy to hang out with the other kid while she politely excuses herself to feed her infant. But no, she had already plopped her boob out and was feeding her in the middle of the library. Baby in one hand and latest copy of Guinness Book of World Records in the other. Bare-breasted in the library with children and families running around everywhere. I made a comment about leaving. Her response was "Oh, I don't care, like these kids haven't seen a boob before." Well, I cared. I was mortified!

Not two weeks later we were at the local YMCA pool. It was a hot summer day so what better way to spend it, right? We were just swimming and hanging out when the oldest child has to pee as sometimes kids do. I am holding the infant assuming that Mother Flanders is going to help her with the potty break. Oh she helped, instead of rushing her to the bathroom or even just telling her to pee in the pool where it wasn't noticeable to the public she had her do something else. Propped her up on the side of the pool, pulled her bathing suit bottoms to the side, and told her to pee right there where she was standing. When she was done she jumped back in the pool as if nothing had happened. She then splashed pool water on the pee to "sanitize" it. People were staring at her in a way that I had never seen. The worst part is that most everyone knew her from being a part-time swim coach at the YMCA. I was at a loss for words.

I would now like to set you up for next week with my second family the Workmans'. I love them! They have three of the sweetest little girls I have ever laid eyes on and they are cool to boot! I will also be introducing my dog whose name used to be Shadow. The Workman family kinda gave him to me. Check back Monday to see exactly what "kinda" means. Hope everyone has a great week! Thanks for reading!

P.S. I became an Aunt for the first time this week on 8-8-09. Sooooo exciting!


  1. oh, man! that pee break is CLASSY!

  2. Dear Kimberly Clark,

    I am inquiring about purchasing your Tena bladder pads in bulk. As I am now subscribing to a blogger who posts about male foot models, 80's porn and moms who think it's cool to have their kids drop trowel in public view IN THE POOL.. I've laughed myself through 3 outfits today and have now got to go to freakin' Ikea (the Swedish Satan) to get a new computer chair. Thank your for your time and consideration. -DiPaola Momma

    P.S. Welcome to The Nuggets Ms. not-Poppins

  3. Hysterical! You're a really funny writer! Can't wait to read your book!