The Boobie Chronicles..............

So on we go to the Flanders family. Eccentric would be the best way to explain them with one word. They are the perfect example of the fact that being smart and educated doesn't at all mean that you have any couth. In fact it seems to be the opposite. I am now a firm believer that as long as you flash that black AmEx the "manners" thing goes out the window.

Mother Flanders was an Architect when I started working for them. She was a fan of 80's power suits and was still living in a time where mustache waxing was not a priority. She may also be the most openly flatulent person on the planet. At that time they only had one child. When the second daughter was born is when I accepted the position with them and then stayed through the third. Cleanliness was a big issue on all levels. The house wreaked of cat urine mostly because instead of putting the litter box in a closet like most people they strategically placed it in the garden tub in their bedroom. The bedroom was by the kitchen so as soon as you walked in the house the smell smacked you across the face like "Homie" the clown.

This brings me to Daddy Flanders. He was a lawyer for a large firm uptown. He was also a foot model when he was in college. I think that he is sort of stuck there a bit being that he still rocks stone-washed denim. One day they decided they wanted to clean out their attic so, as a good employee, I offered to help. There was so much crap in that 100 degree attic that for several days I didn't know my ass from my elbow. Finally we got the mess under control and all that was left was to stack boxes. I get to a box labeled with the father's name. I had overlooked this box so I opened it to see the contents for organizational purposes. It was chocked full of 80's porno. That day I came to find out that his family was in the porn/toy business. So it's not only that you don't know someone until you have seen or lived in their house but also until you have rifled through their stuff. That was an interesting conversation to say the least.

The kids on the other hand were a whole different story. Now don't get me wrong I love these girls very much and always wanted the best for them but when you are raised my wolves you are probably going to take on many wolf like traits. The oldest daughter was a drooler at a young age which just made her the least desirable kid on the block. Everyone loves to hang out with the clean cut kid that dresses cute and smells nice. Not so much the one with ratty hair and dirty clothes. (See photo above!) You get my drift? She also had the habit of humping her favorite stuffed animal which was slightly repulsive. Mother Flanders did not have very much input on these things. In fact it is possible the lax environment caused these things to happen. This leads me to some of my favorite stories.

Mother Flanders was the type that simply didn't care what people thought about her. One day after her second child was born we all went to the public library so that the oldest child could get some books. This seems like a very harmless activity that many normal people do on a daily basis. Not this day! We were sitting there in the library when the baby starts to cry. She is hungry as babies sometimes are. The problem was that she was being breast fed and I obviously can't help with that. I turned to the mother to tell her I would be happy to hang out with the other kid while she politely excuses herself to feed her infant. But no, she had already plopped her boob out and was feeding her in the middle of the library. Baby in one hand and latest copy of Guinness Book of World Records in the other. Bare-breasted in the library with children and families running around everywhere. I made a comment about leaving. Her response was "Oh, I don't care, like these kids haven't seen a boob before." Well, I cared. I was mortified!

Not two weeks later we were at the local YMCA pool. It was a hot summer day so what better way to spend it, right? We were just swimming and hanging out when the oldest child has to pee as sometimes kids do. I am holding the infant assuming that Mother Flanders is going to help her with the potty break. Oh she helped, instead of rushing her to the bathroom or even just telling her to pee in the pool where it wasn't noticeable to the public she had her do something else. Propped her up on the side of the pool, pulled her bathing suit bottoms to the side, and told her to pee right there where she was standing. When she was done she jumped back in the pool as if nothing had happened. She then splashed pool water on the pee to "sanitize" it. People were staring at her in a way that I had never seen. The worst part is that most everyone knew her from being a part-time swim coach at the YMCA. I was at a loss for words.

I would now like to set you up for next week with my second family the Workmans'. I love them! They have three of the sweetest little girls I have ever laid eyes on and they are cool to boot! I will also be introducing my dog whose name used to be Shadow. The Workman family kinda gave him to me. Check back Monday to see exactly what "kinda" means. Hope everyone has a great week! Thanks for reading!


P.S. I became an Aunt for the first time this week on 8-8-09. Sooooo exciting!

Time out for Jesus.............

The next portion of this is my life as a Pre-school teacher. I worked at a up and coming Christian facility in a small South Carolina town. In the Palmetto state the kid to teacher ratio was 13-1. So the director assigned 10 boys and 3 girls to my class of 3 year old children. Needless to say this was a challenge being that I was only 18 years old myself.

The director of this facility, lets say her name is Sally, had a very interesting idea of punishment. "Jesus is disappointed!" she would say. Another being " I am going to need you to sit in time out and think about what Jesus would say about your actions!" Now I have nothing against Jesus but I am pretty sure he isn't worried about the fact little Steven kicked me in the shin when I reprimanded him for biting little Sean. The idea of a Religious environment for children was always interesting to me. This environment was particularly interesting to me.

You had your slightly off director and her husband/business partner that was only really around for the maintenance portion. Then there is your very gay but not yet out of the closet assistant director. My personal favorite was our crotchety old lunch lady Miss Janine. She ran a tight ship in that kitchen and you could barely understand a word she said. Miss Janine hated giving away seconds, so god forbid a kid wanted another corn dog or dollop of mashed potatoes. As an adult I even hated to ask her for anything! She could have been a character straight out of the "Black Lagoon" children's book series. You know "Crazy Southern Lunch Lady from the Black Lagoon" or something to that effect. I am pretty sure one of her eyes had a slight twitch to it as well.

Anyhoo, I could go on and on about the staff but really the kids were the gems. Little Steven was practically the devil reincarnate. About once a day his head would spin around and he would spit pea soup. No really, he was a biter, spitter, kicker, hitter, cusser, toy stealer, hair puller, and all around meanie-head. Refused to sit in time out and would do all of these things to me if I tried to make him. Only kid I have ever known to actually get kicked out of daycare.

Second is sweet Enrique. His lovely family moved from Spain in the middle of the school year. He did not speak a lick of English and I did not speak a lick of Spanish. He was the sweetest and most kind little fella in my class. Unless you tried to take away his "Speederman" toy that he brought to school everyday. This "Spiderman" toy was not only the only word he knew in English but it was the only thing he was interested in. If you messed with that toy he was on you like gravy on rice. The great thing about Enrique was that he learned English really quick he also smelled really good. Wish I knew how to get in touch with his mother to find out what kind of laundry detergent she used. Back then I was to embarrased to ask. It was fantastic!

Third there was Buddy. Buddy's dad was a fireman and mommy was a psychologist. I used to watch Buddy at his house when his parents went out for the evening. My fondest moment with Buddy was one evening after watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" in its entirety 3 times. He had a dirty diaper so naturally I changed it. He then proceeds to say "Hey, Hey Miss Lauren. Buddy has a big penis." I was sure that I heard him wrong so I asked him to repeat himself. To my surprise, that was exactly what he said! I waited for the parents to get home. They were drunk, 2 hours late, and they were fully clothed but soaking wet. They explained to me that they had jumped in their neighbors pool to sober up. I then realized that I wasn't dealing with your typical family. I was dealing with a family that teaches their son the meaning of "big penis". A family that waits till they get home to sober up. Every school day after that incident was slightly awkward for me and Buddy's parents. I am sure you understand why.

Last but not least was Cowboy Sean. Sean was the definition of cutie-patootie. On most days his attire was a cowboy hat, boots, Oshkosh overalls, and a button down shirt. He liked to dress that way because he wanted to look like his dad. The exception to this was Halloween. Some young boys want to be cowboys for Halloween. Since Sean was a cowboy everyday he chose to be a Devil. Can you imagine a Devil costume that looks very much like a Carebear? This was it! Red and fuzzy, the horns and the tail each has hearts at the ends. Not a very scary Devil if I do say so myself. Well, here comes Miss Sally the director to ruin Sean's day. She told him, as if this reasoning is going to make any sense to a 3 year old, that his costume was not appropriate for a Christian daycare. She told him that "we" don't like the devil and that his costume was "too scary" for school. She forced that little boy to take off his costume. He cried all day! I personally thought this was a brash decision made by Miss Sally.

Gradually I tired of all the excitment and began looking for other jobs. I heard about nannying and figured I would give it a try. I took a part time position with a family here in Charlotte, NC. I call them my "first family". They will be known as the Flanders' and get ready to hear all about them! Thanks for reading this week guys! Monday I will have a brand new story! I promise to TRY not to disappoint! :)